Spare the rod and save the child – Assessing the impact of parenting on child behaviour and mental health

Groei het nie ’n ouderdomsperk nie Groei is ’n groot woord as ’n mens nog leer om te lees – ’n hele vyf letters! Groei is ook ’n groot woord in gemeenskappe en verhoudings – dit spruit stil-stil uit vormende verbintenisse en dra verrassende vrug. Dít ondervind die kinders sowel as die afgetrede grootmense van Hoekwil se leesprojek weekliks. ANNALISE WIID het een Donderdagmiddag saam met hulle gaan groei. Hoekwil is pragtig! Die klein dorpie in die Suid-Kaap lê lepel agter die groter, baie bekende Wildernis se rug. Skaars 5 km vanaf die N2, deur die vlei, en oor die rant, skuil die klein juweel. Hoekwil se dorp-hart het vier kloppende kamers, wat bruis van mens-aktiwiteit: In die middel staan die NG gemeente Die Vleie se kerkgebou. Weerskante daarvan is ’n groot aftree-oord en ’n bedrywige deli met vrolike bont vlaggies al om die stoep. En net oor­kant die straat lag kinders op die laerskool se speelgrond. Rondom die dorp lê welige groen melkplase, natuurlike woude en denneplantasies. En effe opsy die woonbuurt Touwsranten. Magda van Zyl wag my verwelkomend voor die kerk­saal in. Ek vra nie uit nie. Aanvaar sommer sy is die kerk se sekretaresse. Kom eers later my fout agter. Sy stel my voor aan Hans en Valerie Roux, die dryf­krag agter Die Vleie se leeshulp-projek. Ons herken mekaar dadelik. Het al vantevore ontmoet, toe Hans nog predikant was op Worcester. Dit gaan ’n lekker middag word … Binne wag klein tafels, elk met twee blou sagte sitplekstoele, reeds netjies en buite hoorafstand van mekaar gerangskik. In die saal, op die verhoog en in die klein vertrekkies langsaan. Die kinders gaan nou-nou hier instorm, sodra die skool uitkom. Intussen pak Hans prettige leesboeke voor op die verhoog uit. Hy groepeer dit volgens vlakke van leesvaardigheid. Van heel-in-die-begin se eenvoud, tot ’n bie­tjie verder tot nog ’n bietjie moeiliker. En lekkerder. Valerie sorteer papiere; pak potlode, skêre en plas­tiek­sakkies met woorde op ’n tafel uit. Die kinders word met ’n bussie aangery van Laerskool Touwsranten af. Die grootmense wat hulle met leesvaardigheid kom help, stap meesal sommer straat-af tot by die kerksaal. Almal is ooglopend bly om mekaar te sien. Glimlagte. Gretigheid. “Daar’s jou oom,” hoor ek ’n opgewonde stemmetjie. Hulle moes dit eintlik gesing het wanneer ons totsiens sê, maar hulle kan nie wag nie, het te lank uitgesien. Klaar gesing, gaan die grootmense en kinders saam verhoog toe. Die kinders kies self uit watter boekies hulle wil lees. Dan koers elke groepie na hulle eie tafeltjie toe en sit koppe bymekaar. Ek dwaal tussen hulle deur. Neem foto’s. Luister. Verkyk my: geduld en aanmoediging vat hande met leergierigheid en plesier. “Kyk,” beduie ’n vrou met ’n sagte stem, “die b se magie bult hierdie kant toe, en die d s’n staan daai kant toe, sien jy?” Een dogtertjie lê met haar kop teen ’n tannie se ­skouer en luister lekker terwyl haar maatjie voorlees. Party haak nog by baie woorde vas. Ander lees al feitlik vlot. ‘Ag nee, Oom’ Na ’n halfuur se saamlees, slaan een van die kinders die ghong: Kadwa! “Ag nee, Oom,” sê Hans se seuntjie, teleurgesteld. Die enetjie by Magda se tafel loer vinnig hoeveel blaaie van sy boek nog oor is. Kyk verlangend na haar. Wens hy kon dit nog gou klaar lees. Maar hulle moet groet; die bussie terug Touwsranten toe wag. En daar, by Seven Passes (’n plaaslike gemeenskapsontwikkelingaksie) se huiswerkprogram, wag sop en broodjies. Nadat die kinders weg is, koffie en koek die lees-helpers nog ’n rukkie gesellig saam. Die meeste van hulle is pensionarisse en lidmate van Die Vleie. Net twee is jongmense wat weekliks oorry van Wildernis af. Elke Donderdagmiddag van 14:00 tot 14:30 kom lees die grootmense saam met die kinders. Hans vertel: “Eendag het Wilmi Dippenaar van Seven Passes by die kerk kom praat oor hulle werk in die gemeenskap. Sy het genoem dat hulle ’n leesprojek vir laerskoolkinders begin het, en hulp sal waardeer. Toe ons vra wie wil help, meld 22 vrywilligers aan!” Dit lyk nie of een van die 22 spyt is nie. Inteendeel, hulle gloei behoorlik. Val mekaar amper in die rede om vir my te vertel hoe die betrokkenheid by die kinders hulle lewe verryk. En dis nie dat hulle le­we voor­heen arm was nie. Hulle kom uit interessan­te be­roepe en plekke. Maar die projek voeg op ’n be­son­dere manier lewenswaarde toe. Vir Hans, die oud-predikant met die pastor-hart, is die betrokkenheid by die kind se lewe die beste: “Dit is so bevredigend om mettertyd die kind te sien oopmaak. Om te ervaar hoe verhouding ontstaan. ’n Mens leer ook sy omstandighede ken. My outjie het byvoorbeeld vandag vertel hy en sy ma het saam gepraat en hulle het besluit hulle gaan vir die goeie – hulle gaan ’n verskil maak. Dis wonderlik om sy vordering te sien.” Salmon Gerber is ’n gebore Olifantshoeker. So het Hoekwil toentertyd bekend gestaan, toe sy pa daar patatranke gekweek het. Vir hom is betrokkenheid by die leesprojek ’n “sielsaak”. Hy weet waar die kinders vandaan kom, sê hy. Hy wens net elke Donderdag daar was meer tyd. Dit is so positief om te sien hoe die kinders probeer. En groei. Soms sak enetjie weer te­rug. Dan vermoed jy dit gaan seker weer swaar by die huis. ’n Geroepenheid Willie Verwey, ’n oud-skoolhoof, en sy vrou, Rhea, glimlag oor die Touwsrantertjies. “Dis vir ons ’n geroe­penheid om te kan help,” sê hy. “Wie van die kinders sou andersins vandag ’n halfuur gelees het? Hulle sou waarskynlik net gespeel het, of dalk kattekwaad aangevang het. Dit is wonderlik om te dink ons maak ’n belegging om die kinders se toekoms te verbeter. Ons leer self ook baie – veral van die bruin gemeenskap. ’n Mens kry mos nie altyd die geleentheid vir kontak met ander gemeenskappe nie. Nou geniet ons dit so. Dis lekker kinders dié!” Magda, wat ek met die ontmoet-slag as die sekretaresse aangesien het, is vandag vir die eerste keer hier. Afgetrede mense ry baie rond. Of kuier by hulle kinders wat ver woon. Hulle is nie vanselfsprekend elke Donderdag op die dorp nie. So was daar toe vandag te min vrywilligers om individuele aandag aan al die kinders te gee. Toe vra Hans of Magda se Bybelstudiegroep nie wil kom help nie. En daar kry sy toe die oulike seuntjie wat nie wil ophou lees toe die ghong slaan nie. Wat haar hand vashou toe hulle groet. Dit was vir haar so lekker, sy dink hulle sal dalk van nou af elke Donderdag voor Bybelstudie eers ’n bietjie kom lees … Valerie, Hans se vrou, is die baie beskeie, waagmoedige dryfveer agter die gemeente se betrokkenheid. Sy vertel: “Die eerste Donderdag was ek bitter bang! Ek weet nie wie dit die ergste ervaar het nie: ek, die vrywillige helpers (sommige van wie nog nooit met die onderwys van kinders te doen gehad het nie) of die kinders self nie. Maar meteens het ek die ou bekende gevoel ervaar: Dis maar net kindertjies vir wie ek iets kan gee en beteken, kindertjies wat ek kan lief hê. Dis net ’n groot kans wat aan my gegee word, sommer so, in my hande. ‘Waar daar liefde is …’ “En toe elke kind tuisgekom het by ’n helper, was ek diep dankbaar en verwonderd. Want, asof hulle al lang paaie saamgestap het, het helper en kind mekaar gevind en saamgewerk. Ek sien elke week hoe drukkies uitgedeel word, hoe kinders prys-plakkertjies op die kop kry; sien hoe ’n helper hande klap omdat ’n kind iets reggekry het, hoor hoe ’n kind skaterlag van vreugde – en ervaar met ’n diep en nederige wete: Waar daar liefde is, daar is God die Heer! Ons weet nie of die leesprogram volhoubaar is nie. Ek weet net: Met soveel welwillendheid en gewilligheid, moet die kinders iets ervaar van hoe dit is as mense vir jou omgee. Hulle sal nie gou die oom of tannie vergeet wat hulle weekliks laat voel het dat hulle nie verloorders is nie, maar geliefdes.” Wilmi Dippenaar, die direkteur van Seven Passes, is baie tevrede met die leesprojek se vordering en met die vrugbare samewerking wat tussen Die Vleie en Seven Passes begin groei. Gemeentelede het boeke geskenk wat hulle kleinkinders al ontgroei het. Die biblioteek gee maandeliks ’n blok-lening van 20 boeke. “Laat die kinders tog net lees!” ’n Graad een-onderwyseres het die vrywilligers kom touwys maak. En ná elke lees-sessie word ’n verslagvorm voltooi om die kinders se vordering te monitor. Kinders wat te stadig vorder, word na ’n reme­dië­rende onderwyser verwys. “Ek sien wonderlike groei op alle vlakke,” sê Wilmi. “Nie net wat leesvaardigheid betref nie; ook in die gemeenskappe se nader groei aan mekaar. Ons almal blom!” http://kerkbode.christians.co.za/2016/10/05/groei-het-nie-n-ouderdomsperk-nie/

SACQ_51_02_Ward_Gould_Kelly_Mauff

This project aims to inform policy on violence prevention and aggression, and will improve the lives of children. It will also offer new insights to the World Health Organisation’s Parenting for Lifelong Health project that promotes evidence-based parenting programmes in developing countries.The Touwsranten project is part of a broader effort by the ISS and UCT to address crime and violence through parenting support programmes that the state can implement nationally. In 2014, their efforts contributed to parenting support being included as a policy priority for the Western Cape provincial government. The ISS and UCT also helped the provincial government to develop a high-level implementation strategy and budget for parenting support across the province.‘The safety and happiness of many South African children is undermined by violence in their homes and communities. We believe parents can develop positive, non-violent skills to help them keep their children safe in and outside of the home’, says Chandré Gould, senior research fellow at the ISS.The project involves a variety of activities, from establishing a community-based ‘brand’ of positive parenting, to delivering evidence-based positive parenting programmes. If the approach is shown to be effective, the project will offer a model for similar projects in other communities in future.

 

https://theconversation.com/why-societies-must-protect-children-if-they-want-fewer-criminals-64925

 

ACTIVITIES RELATED TO GENEROSITY FOR MUTIPLE AGE RANGES

The definition of generosity is the quality of being kind and generous.This developmental need and social value is directly linked to a deep sense of being needed and valuable, together with a desire to contribute positively to the lives of those with whom you come into contact every day.Generosity can also be referred to as pro social behaviour – those actions that tend to benefit other people without the prospect of an external personal benefit. (Roche et al.)Every child, youth and family needs a deep sense of generosity appropriate to their age and capacity.But before we can focus on the how and what of being generous we have to look at the Circle of Courage. Brendtro, Bokenleg and Van Bockern’s Circle of Courage model indicates belonging, mastery, independence and generosity as the four values or needs for self esteem and according to this model the 4 areas are related and influence each other.

Belonging and generosity have a direct influence on each other and therefore I would like to focus first on belonging before we move on to generosity.

BELONGING:

This developmental need has to do with a deep sense of relationship or attachment with other human beings and is reflected in a sense of relatedness, of care, of love, of community, of Ubuntu, of respect for each other and for nature.The first level of attachment is within a family. A child needs to feel connected and loved within a family. Small things like sibling rivalry can influence a child’s sense of belonging. It is important that you connect with your child on a daily basis and makes sure he feels the attachment.The second level of attachment is within a group or with his peers. Children can very easily feel excluded especially with a lot of bullying going on in schools. Help your child to have friends and encourage healthy relationships between him and his peers. Even if it is a small child, they must learn to play together and share.The rest of the levels are: to belong to a group such as religion, culture or ethnicity and the last one is to fit in with society.The role that belonging plays when we focus on generosity can not be emphasised enough. Do simple things everyday that makes your child feel loved and appreciated. I’ve learned that girls open up to you when you spend enough time with them and boys start to share when you feed them. Don’t interrogate them but be available for them. I’ve learned that eye contact and communication are vital for your child’s developmental needs.As soon as a sense of belonging is established a person can start to give something of him/herself.

GENEROSITY:

What a wonderful priviledge to be in a position to be able to give to others and what a privilidge to teach that to our children – big and small.When we look at generosity there are SO many things we can do or be, Roche et al (1996) says that there are 10 different categories of pro social behaviour and all of that count as being generous. You, as a family have to decide how involved you are prepared to be.The first thing that I would recommend is to start small. Usually when we work with disadvantaged children that did not form close attachments, we start generosity by giving them a plant to look after. When they water and care for the plant they feel a sense of achievement. After a while the child can be given a pet to care for. A pet can make the world of difference to children. I worked with a young boy whose mother died and he had a terrible time grieving. One day a stray dog came to there house and for the first time he could start to grief for his mother. After only a couple of weeks he made 10 times more progress than he did in the previous months.Another important aspect is communication. Through communication children (well all people) become aware. When you drive around and you see a homeless person somewhere – start a conversation with your children and start making them aware of the need in your town and in the country and then in the world. If you watch the news or you hear about Angelina Jolie adopting another baby – start a conversation with your children and talk about what they see as being generous and how involved they want to be. This is a wonderful opportunity to get them involved without pushing them into something they are not ready for. It is also an opportunity for you to steer them. If your children is still small, keep the conversation simple – you will know what level they are prepared for.The next wonderful tool helped my own family with the process of getting involved with people in need. We regularly (once a year) have a family meeting or a family group conference or whatever you would like to call it. At this meeting we discuss our goals and rules for the year but we also write our story.

In the first column we write the chapters of our year (or the time that you decide). For instance, in one year we lost our house. The heading of the chaper was: Lost Laing street house. In the second column we wrote (or rather the kids draw pictures because they were to small to write) what it meant for everyone to lose the house. In the last colums we wrote how it affected our bigger family circle and the community of support we found ourselves in.The reason for writing our story is in the first place te become aware of everything that we are thankful for and secondly to realise what we were prepared for to become involved in other peoples lives.

Another way your family can get involved in your own community is to build a relationship with an elderly person. Just start with one person and start by visiting this person once a week. Ask her if she needs anything and next time when you visit you can take something with. Next week when you go to visit you can ask her if you can do the shopping for her. Help her paint the kitchen and let the children help. In a couple of months (or however long it will take) you ask her to visit your house and before you know it she becomes part of the family!We were devastated to lose our house and the children were still very small. Our oldest, Phillip was about 8 years old. A year or two later when we bought a new house, he organised a thanksgiving party (with our help) and invited the strangest people and at this thanksgiving party he made a speech about the house that we lost and what we learned from it. Afterwards 3 couples came to us and told us how much his speech meant to them because they were in similar situations.When children are ready the first place to become involved is your community. Places and people they will know. Become involved in an exsisting project such as a soup kitchen for homeless people. Let the children help to make the soup and when they are emotionally ready take them to the soup kitchen and let them help there. This will help them to realise that they are in no way better than other people and it will teach them empathy for those people.I’ve seen how old people become young again just because someone was involved in their lives and the beauty is that the elderly almost always have so much to give and the young people learn so much from them.One more way to show generosity in your community is by “adopting” a child in a care facility. But I must warn you that this is a very big step. Even if you only adopt a child for some weekends and holidays it is a very big responsibility. When you reach out to a needy child it will be a rough and difficult road for all of you and not something that you can take back if it isn’t working for you. That way you will do a lot of damage to yourselves and the child.Here I would suggest rather adopting a child in different country. Here in Africa we have a lot of needy children that would love sponsorship from families. We have different families from all over the world that support some of the children. One of the girls in a nearby township could attend a very upmarket university thanks to the sponsorship of an overseas family. It doesn’t have to be big. I wish I could show you pictures of their faces when the receive a soccer ball. Years ago I was in a priviledge situasion were I asked how to start a soccer club in one of our townships on the CYC-net (Child and Youth Care network). I received a lot of responses from all over the world and one of them was from a young man in the USA that got sponsers without me knowing and he sent 3 BIG boxes of soccer equipment to South Africa. Small things like a soccer ball can make a big difference in someone’s life.Generosity is not only shown to other people but also to nature and the earth. Start a project where your kids (or the kids in your community) can collect recycling material and sell it and use the money for a charitable cause. Through this project they will learn how important the earth is and they will teach other people about the importance. In Hermanus, a town in South Africa the Recycling Swop Shop was started in May 2003 at the Hou Moed shelter in Kwasa-Kwasa and it is the brainwave of local residents Marilyn van der Velden and Bulelwa Sam.The swop shop allows young children the opportunity of collecting recyclable material and exchanging the value for credit points. Once sufficient credits are achieved they can be redeemed for selected household goods, toiletries, toys, clothing and school stationary.Much of the goods available have been sponsored by local businesses and foreign visitors. Already 400 children have been registered at the Recycling Swop Shop and from May 2003, 24 000 kg of recyclable material has been collected.Teach your children from a young age to give a percentage of their pocket money to a charitable cause – one that you all decided on together. But take them to that place or the foundation so that they can see what their money is being used for. At a local NPO – Life community Services, I heard about a 13 year old girl that became involved in saving money to buy school shoes for the children. She started with one pair and after she delivered the shoes, she became inspired and started making money to buy more. She was so inspired when she saw and felt how her kindness changed another child’s life.Your whole family can start doing volunteering work at an organisation. Again it depends on the ages and emotional availability of your children. Volunteering may even be good for your health!

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/06/27/volunteering.aspx?e_cid=20130627_DNL_art_2&utm_source=dnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art2&utm_campaign=20130627

Something else to remember is donating blood and organ donation. This is also a very personal matter and children can be sensitive to the death topic but I feel that opening communication is a very good idea.Research shows that children who live with parents or caregivers who show pro social behaviour will most likely show pro social behaviour. Therefore your actions and what and how you perceive generosity will be the determining factor to your children’s generosity.The most important thing to remember is never to force your children to be generous. You can steer them and encourage them and make them aware but you can never force them. The other thing that you can never do is to reward them with money or any other material thing. Altruism cannot be bought. It is something that children have to learn and experience.Generosity or pro social behaviour is life changing for yourself and the other people you are being generous to. You can decide how much you are able to give. For me true generosity is when you give something of yourself and true change happens through relationships. Anyone can give money or presents or second hand clothes but not a lot of people give themselves. Human beings need human beings. We need support, love and physical touch.I hope that you and your family will decide to become involved somewhere and that this will help you grow as a family and as a society as a whole.

CHAPTERS	CRISSISSES/TIMES OF GROWTH	CHANGES IN FAMILY AND / OR COMMUNITY DUE TO CRISIS

https://www.issafrica.org/iss-spotlight/reducing-violence-through-positive-parenting The Institute for Security Studies (ISS), in partnership with the University of Cape Town (UCT) and the Seven Passes Initiative, will begin an innovative three-year positive parenting project in September this year.The project, with funding from the World Childhood Foundation, will work in the community of Touwsranten in the Western Cape. It will determine if a community-driven public awareness campaign, combined with parenting programmes, will improve parenting and promote child safety across the whole village.‘These kinds of partnerships, which bring together policy research organisations, academic institutions and organisations that implement programmes, are essential to developing interventions that actually work’, says Catherine Ward, associate professor, Department of Psychology at UCT. ‘The challenge is to determine how to take programmes that have been shown through testing to be effective, to scale’. “We believe parents can develop positive, non-violent skills to help them keep their children safe”